The United States Redneck Special Forces

Girl on the Right announces the formation of the elite United States Redneck Special Forces:

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste like chicken.
4. They don’t like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

CIA Friends & Family Eavesdropping Plan

The Borowitz Report offers some exclusive information on the CIA Friends & Family Eavesdropping Plan:

In a sign that the Bush administration intends to ratchet up its program of domestic surveillance, the Central Intelligence Agency today announced that it was offering what it called a “Friends & Family” eavesdropping plan.

Under the new plan, American citizens would reap significant discounts for long-distance calls in exchange for permitting the CIA to listen in on all of their conversations.

With many Americans unhappy with their current long distance service, the CIA hopes that consumers will decide that having a CIA agent listening in on all of their conversations is a small price to pay for fewer dropped calls, which the CIA’s eavesdropping plan promises.