A day after stating that "America is addicted to oil" in his State Of The Union address, The Borowitz Report reveals that W has now admitted that he is an "oilaholic:"

In a nationally televised address from the Oval Office last night, a visibly agitated [W] began his speech with the following simple statement: "My name is George W. Bush, and I am an oilaholic."
...
Mr. Bush’s decision to enter rehab for his petroleum addiction drew applause from many quarters, including from James Frey, author of the bestselling memoir A Million Little Pieces.

"He has a rough road ahead of him in rehab," Mr. Frey said. "I hope that none of the things happen to him that I pretended happened to me."