If you look hard enough in this New Yorker article by Gabriel Kuris, you might just find “Instructions For Everything.” My favorites:
7. To avoid the appearance of sexist language in your writing, try to pluralize, stylize, or just tell lies. Always replace “he” with “he or she.” Also replace “she” with “he or she,” unless preceded by the phrase “he or.”
12. In the rare event that a mature adult of the human species confronts you, stretch your arms above your head to make yourself as tall as possible. Shout strong commands with a strong, commanding shout. If you are assaulted, fall down and play dead. Do not play dead for more than seventy-two hours, or you will die.